Snow (Hey Oh) Snippets

Blizzard Blair Brainstorming & Other Thoughts

If you’ve subscribed for a bit, you might wonder where the December Roundup is. Here’s the truth…there isn’t one. There is a playlist, so I’ve not entirely gone off-script! I’ve already put December and 2024 in the rearview mirror; I’ve moved on and can’t find the words to summarize a year of joyful highs and excruciating lows. I lack the concentration to summarize a year of such drastic life change into one organized essay. I kept thinking that after a good night’s sleep, the magic would come to me. Five days into January, I realized it was time to look forward rather than trying to round up my past. I have the material, as I recently participated in a two-hour writing reflection and filled 12 pages; I couldn’t even revisit half of 2024 without my hand cramping and my emotions begging for a break. No one wants to read that mess right now, mostly me. Much like my motto for 2024, December was the month when Just Do It got put to the test. Publish a blog article, move into a house, release your first podcast episode, rest, say no, spend time with friends, eat unhealthy foods, walk 40 miles, and get rid of things…Just Do It!

Formal writing took a backseat to all of those activities in December. Today is not the day to realize that I haven’t constructed one meaningful piece of writing in my new living establishment, which is also my office. I’ve produced podcasts and increased my usage of Notes, but formulating coherent writing of any length in December was completed in a coffee shop or library. Not in the house where I am now stuck for a week due to Blair the Blizzard. It’s not for lack of trying, and it’s not for a lack of creating a writing space; something just feels off. I google menopause symptoms. The words aren’t magically coming to me. It’s the brain fog. I thought taking a break around the holidays would provide me with the motivation and inspiration needed. Maybe it’s adult onset ADHD?!!? I have a new journal, I have a new laptop, I have a new desk, I binge-watched some shows, I read several books, but yet here I am, staring out the window at the snow covering the now unrecognizable trail where I completed my Trevor Project 40-mile walking challenge for December. There has been little sign of life on the trail for days except for the occasional furball, who the snow could instantaneously bury, insisting on going to the bathroom. Further validating why a pet is not on the 2025 vision board.

Much like the impending weather, I had been preparing this newsletter for the past two weeks to no avail. I am not prepared. It’s not enough. Why didn’t I do more? What am I doing here? In this freezing city, in this writing space, in this world. The quest for belonging and connection continues; it’s an exhausting journey. I understand why people join cults or gangs. We are experiencing The Loneliness Epidemic¹ in America, bringing to light people’s insistence on pet ownership and why my favorite reads of the past month were cult related.

I felt like Joey on Friends, wearing all of my cold weather clothes at once.

I have an unhealthy amount of clothes, but I don’t own blizzard attire. A whole other type of wardrobe is required to face the world under these conditions, and I’m not jumping to invest in it anytime soon. Much like my brain fog, the glistening snow is not going anywhere; I have never experienced such a thing. It’s deep, heavy, and all consuming, with no escape. You just have to sit with it. Oklahoma had snow, but it would have turned to brown mush by now. In a former life, I would be relishing these days, throwing a party for one of epic proportions. Pre-pandemic, a blizzard was an educator’s dream. It meant staying in your PJs, bingeing Netflix, and finishing all the alcohol in the house. But once remote learning was discovered, snow days became a thing of the past. As long as you had power, you could have school, putting more strain and work on everyone. The joy of snow days got lost, along with almost everything else. It feels like another lifetime when there was less pressure to perform. Snow days were a break, not an excessive burden. As a creative, there are really no days off. No Christmas, no New Year’s, no weekends, and certainly no Snow Days! It brings great joy to no longer live for extended time off that is necessary to recharge only to return and continue the cycle to the next extended break. There are no longer day or time restraints other than self-imposed deadlines. That made December and this snowpocalypse a bit unusual.

As an alcoholic, there are no days off either. You still go to meetings on Christmas Day, Snow Days, etc. I used to google things like Am I an alcoholic? and Symptoms of alcohol withdrawal. These days, I google seasonal affective disorder and perimenopause symptoms. Much like Google confirmed I was an alcoholic, I am boldly confirming I’ve reached a point in my life that I thought was ten years away. Where did my 40s go? Where did my life go? Am I depressed because I don’t see the sun and I can’t leave the house, or am I depressed because my hormones are wreaking havoc, or am I depressed because everything I knew to be true is indeed no longer real or true? I think my current mood has more to do with the latter, which is a culmination of showing up in spaces out of my comfort zone, where I could not be authentically me, where I placated to the expectations imposed on me. I now find that utterly exhausting to do for three days, much less three decades. No wonder I am tired.

My current morning reading is Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr. It is so deep that I often pause after a paragraph to digest the information, so it is a perfect morning-page book for me. It prompts me to reflect through my journal. It is filled with great quotes and teachings on my current experience.

The demand for the perfect is the greatest enemy of good. Richard Rohr

I am not religious at all; I actually identify as non-religious. This should shock no one, given my disdain for boxes. It has more to do with my anti-establishment views and rebellion towards any sort of all-knowing authority. I’ve been asking questions about religion and “God” since I was five that no one can answer. If there isn’t a tangible answer, I question the validity. In sobriety, I have come to accept spirituality. There was a time not so long ago when I would have shunned a book like this and refused to consider any of the valuable teachings. I know there is something bigger than us, or we wouldn’t be here. I just question what exactly that looks like. When I read a book with references to scripture or Biblical characters, I either skip over them or insert the names of real people, i.e., Tom Petty replaces Jesus. I mean, isn’t this how cults work?? Speaking of cults, in December, I read Bethany Joy Lenz’s Dinner For Vampires. I loved OTH²; it actually had its own cult-like following. Nathan Scott is probably the reason I can’t formulate a meaningful relationship; he is my standard. Yep, a fictional character is what I long for; that doesn’t set anyone up for failure. Why can’t the bad boys change?!?

Joy³’s memoir is about her time, 10 years, in a cult. Her story is fascinating but left me wondering if everything we do isn’t cultish. This led me to read Amanda Montell’s book⁴ Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism and realize the answer to my question is yes. It’s understandable; Joy was searching for belonging and found it in “The Big House.” Hello, that’s exactly what my business is built on: finding community and belonging. I’ve done a lot of questionable things in an attempt to belong; it’s a slippery slope for a people-pleasing addict. That’s why the root of my actions must come back to my values and identity. Otherwise, I agree and participate in things that work in opposition. My intuition is often spot on but ignored in times of desperation. That’s the root of my actions and intentions: moving out of fear mode and into authentic alignment mode.

I did a quick glimpse at GoodReads to check my 2024 status, it was the worst ever but I knew that because much like my Substack drafts, I have about six different books started but lack the bandwidth to finish any of them. My mind is learning too much and needs to turn off at night. Interestingly, all of the books I finished surrounded cult-like thinking, I put Lisa Marie my favorite, in that category because Elvis really still has a cult-like following. Wow, this search for belonging is bleeding into all aspects of my life! I’m really diving deeper than I knew. When you leave things, OU athletics, the party scene, and education, that created a community, you start to question the next place you will join. Do I need to belong somewhere, or can I just be with myself?

The ego is the part of you that loves the status quo. It attaches to the past and present and fears the future. Richard Rohr

The reading and reflection sent me down a spiral of am I attempting to become a wellness cult leader? And we wonder why I can’t sleep⁵. Ultimately, I declared no because while I would love for someone to buy me a cup of coffee (okay a pot) I’m not asking for money and more importantly, the work I do individualizes wellness to meet people’s unique needs. There are no two paths the same. No two people get sober the exact same way; you find what works for you. In the quest to update my identity, one thing remains certain…I am an educator. That will never change regardless of job title. I provide a whole lot of information, some based on research, some based on lived experiences, and then allow students to make their own meaning of the information. Education does not equate to indoctrination, all good teachers know that even if influencers, cult leaders, and political puppets spew rhetoric of the opposite.

The turn of the calendar at midnight on December 31 was all that was needed to validate that I was indeed in perimenopause. No doctor is needed; I can stop the Googling; there are enough memes to confirm that we are closer to 2050 than to 2000. Does Blizzard Blair know about The Blair Witch Project? Where did my life go?!? Maybe this really is a crisis…stay tuned for what’s to come in 2025!

Wintering Playlist

1. The US Surgeon General is not playing around with his last few weeks in office. There are many articles surrounding this topic, if you are anti-government.

2. One Tree Hill. Drama Queens is a current podcast where Joy and her two female co-stars summarize the show if you long for more Tree Hill in your life.

3. Joy is what she calls herself in her book.

4. Her book on overthinking is really what I need to be reading. I have it somewhere in my stash which leads to the continual frustration of knowing I own something but have yet to unpack it in the move.

5. It is also a sign of menopause, but this is a preexisting condition that went away once I got sober and returned in my new environment. As the deep exploration continues, I realize is also a sign of emotional stress.