Cultivating Empathy: How the AB Method Transforms Perspectives and Relationships
Stop Assumptions In Their Tracks
HouseKeeping:
A few updates before the post:
You might think you said you would post less often this spring. Yes, I am. I will alternate weeks, so when there isn’t a podcast there will be a post tying to some key concepts shared in a recent podcast episode.
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If you are following my deep dive into cults and narcissists1, Scamanda was the watch this week. On International Women’s Day, I have to say there are women who don’t do us rational, hard-working ladies any favors. Be the light to help others see the good!
What documentary should I watch next?
It’s a constant, continual act of awareness for me.
Assumptions Be Gone
Have you ever caught yourself making assumptions about someone or a situation, only to realize later how off-base you were? I'll be the first to admit, I'm the queen of jumping to conclusions. But what if we could flip the script on those knee-jerk reactions and see things from a different perspective?
Recently, I had the pleasure of sitting down with Tami Shaw, a learning and talent development expert with nearly two decades of experience. Our conversation was a breath of fresh air, filled with insights that challenged me to rethink how I approach the stories I tell myself.
The Power of the AB Method
Tami introduced me to what she calls the "AB Method" - a simple yet powerful tool for reframing our thoughts and assumptions. Here's how it works:
A - Assumption: This is our initial reaction, often fueled by anxiety, anger, or accusation. It's the story we tell ourselves based on limited information.
B - Better Story: This is the intentional shift we make to consider alternative explanations or perspectives.
Let's break this down with a real-life example Tami shared:
I was in line at Chick-fil-A for 12 whole minutes in the drive-thru, which felt like hours. The A story was like, 'Oh my gosh, what are we doing here? I think you took my order three times. Why is this?' And then after, you know, I pull out of that. The B story is, I just got dinner for my husband and I in 12 minutes. It's by our choice and it's affordable. And maybe it was that person's first day and they were figuring out the point of sale system.
This simple shift in perspective can be transformative. Instead of stewing in frustration, we open ourselves up to empathy and understanding. When I allow the small things to fester rather than reframing them, I often explode at something totally unrelated because the tension has already been mounting inside of my head.
The Challenge of Empathy
Empathy doesn't always come easily, especially when we're stressed or overwhelmed. But Tami's approach to cultivating empathy is both practical and profound:
Acknowledge the A story: Don't deny your initial reactions. Recognize them for what they are - assumptions based on limited information.
Actively choose the B story: Make a conscious effort to consider alternative explanations. What might you not know about the situation?
Practice consistently: Like any skill, empathy grows stronger with practice. Challenge yourself to find B stories in everyday situations.
The Ripple Effect of Empathy
As we cultivate empathy through practices like the AB Method, we create ripple effects that extend far beyond our immediate interactions. Here's how:
1. Improved Relationships
When we approach others with empathy and understanding, we create space for deeper connections. Instead of jumping to conclusions, we open ourselves up to genuine dialogue and understanding.
2. Better Decision Making
By considering multiple perspectives, we equip ourselves to make more informed decisions. We're less likely to act on knee-jerk reactions and more likely to consider the broader context.
3. Reduced Stress
Constantly assuming the worst is exhausting. By choosing to consider more positive interpretations, we can significantly reduce our stress levels and improve our overall well-being.
4. Increased Self-Awareness
As we practice the AB Method, we become more aware of our own thought patterns and biases. This self-awareness is crucial for personal growth and development. It’s pretty remarkable to track over time to see how our thought patterns naturally start to shift towards the positive.
Putting It Into Practice
So, how can we start implementing the AB Method in our daily lives? Here are a few suggestions:
Start small: Begin with minor irritations in your day. That person who cut you off in traffic? Practice finding a B story for their behavior.
Journal: Write down your A stories and challenge yourself to come up with B stories for each. This can help make the process more concrete.
I have resolved many arguments people didn’t even know existed through my journaling practice.
Share with others: Discuss the concept with friends or family. Practicing together can provide support and accountability. It also helps get the stories out of your head. Bringing them to light often makes them seem much smaller and solutions may come faster by talking it through.
Reflect regularly: At the end of each day, identify situations where you successfully shifted from an A story to a B story. Celebrate these small victories!
When the immediate shift doesn’t occur for me and I stay in the negative A story I move to HALT, am I hungry, angry, lonely, tired and I usually add, have I gone to a meeting and have I gotten outside for fresh air. When I am out of routine, stressed, and hurried, those nasty negative stories take over and I’ve got to intentionally do the work to move back into a positive mindset.
Tools like the AB Method can be invaluable as we navigate the complexities of relationships, parenting, and work. They help us approach life's challenges with more grace, understanding, and resilience. The world certainly needs that approach right now!
Remember, the goal isn't to ignore our initial reactions or to always assume the best. It's about creating space between our assumptions and actions- allowing for empathy, growth, and more meaningful connections.
What A stories have you been telling yourself lately? How might you reframe them into B stories? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
Let's challenge ourselves to approach life with more empathy and understanding. After all, everyone we meet is fighting a battle we know nothing about. By choosing to see the best in others, we often bring out the best in ourselves.
If you enjoyed my conversation with Tami, part two will be out on Thursday!
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Narcissist might be too kind of a term for some of these folks. I think it’s a misused label that we attach to nice looking white people. We assume they are too attractive, educated, or put together to be a full blown psychopath. It’s similar to thinking around the term alcoholic.